Pirate Jokes and Puns

Fifty of them, from clean one-liners for the classroom to a few longer ones for the pub. Groan responsibly.

Classic one-liners

Every one of these works on a child, a colleague or a stranger in a lift. Deliver the answer in the accent and it lands twice as hard.

Why are pirates called pirates?: Because they arrr!
What's a pirate's favourite letter?: Ye'd think it be R, but his first love be the C.
How much did the pirate pay for his earrings?: A buccaneer.
Why couldn't the pirate play cards?: He was sitting on the deck.
What does a pirate wear on Halloween?: A pumpkin patch.
Why did the pirate go on holiday?: He needed some arr and arr.
What's a pirate's favourite fish?: A swordfish.
Where do pirates keep their cookies?: In the cookie jarrr.
What do you call a pirate who skips class?: Captain Hooky.
Why is pirating so addictive?: Once ye lose yer first hand, ye get hooked.
What has eight arms and eight legs?: Eight pirates.
What's a pirate's favourite exercise?: The plank.
How do pirates prefer to talk?: Aye to aye.
What did the pirate say when he turned eighty?: Aye matey.
What grades did the pirate get at school?: High C's.
What's a pirate's favourite country?: Arrrgentina.
What's a pirate's favourite subject?: Arrrt.
What's a pirate's favourite kind of film?: Anything rated Arrr.
How do pirates know they exist?: They think, therefore they arrr.
What did the pirate say when his wooden leg got stuck in the freezer?: Shiver me timbers!
What's a pirate's favourite kind of socks?: Arrrgyle.
What do you call a pirate with two eyes, two hands and two legs?: A rookie.
Where do pirates go for a drink?: The sand barrr.
What's a pirate's favourite kind of music?: Arrr and B.
What did the ocean say to the pirate ship?: Nothing. It just waved.
What did the pirate say when he found the treasure?: Chest yes.
What's a pirate's least favourite vegetable?: Leeks. No sailor wants leaks.
Why are pirates so bad at the alphabet?: They spend years at C.
What do you get if you cross a pirate with a zucchini?: A squashbuckler.
Where do pirates park their ships?: At the harrrbour.
Why was the pirate ship so cheap?: It was on sail.
Why did the pirate carry a bar of soap?: So if he was shipwrecked he could wash himself ashore.
Why did the pirate buy an eye patch?: He couldn't afford an iPad.
What's a pirate's favourite chocolate bar?: A Bounty.
Why don't pirates shower before they walk the plank?: They'll wash up on shore later anyway.
What do pirates call the person who cuts their hair?: The barrrber.
What's a pirate's favourite thing about school?: The arrrithmetic. And recess, obviously.
Why did the pirate fail his exam?: He got a C, then another C, then drowned in them.
What's a pirate's favourite fast food?: Fish and ships.
What do you call a pirate who loves to cook?: A buccaneer with a galley pass.

Longer jokes

For the pub, the dinner table or the end of a team call. The last one is mild; the first three are safe anywhere.

The red shirt

A pirate captain is told an enemy ship is approaching. "Bring me my red shirt," he says, and wins the fight. Later a sailor asks why. "If I'm wounded, the crew won't see the blood and lose heart." The next morning the lookout shouts: "Cap'n, ten ships approaching!" The captain thinks for a moment. "Bring me my brown trousers."

First day with the hook

Two pirates are comparing wounds. "How'd ye get the peg leg?" "Cannonball took it." "And the hook?" "Cutlass, in a boarding fight." "And the eye patch?" "Seagull droppings." "Seagull droppings took yer eye?" "Aye. It was me first day with the hook."

The steering wheel

A pirate walks into a tavern with a ship's wheel tucked into the front of his trousers. The barman stares. "Ye know there's a ship's wheel in yer trousers?" The pirate sighs. "Arr. It's driving me nuts."

The parrot and the magician

A magician works the same trick every night on a cruise ship, and every night the captain's parrot ruins it: "It's up his sleeve! It's under the table!" One night the ship hits a rock and sinks. The magician and the parrot end up on the same plank, glaring at each other. After three days the parrot finally speaks. "All right. I give up. Where's the ship?"

Lines for the office

Drop these in Slack, Teams or an email signature on the day. More ideas on the work and school page.

Out of office: gone plunderin'. Back on the 20th, if the sea allows.
Please find the treasure map attached. X marks the spreadsheet.
Can everyone see me screen, or just me eye patch?
Let's take this offline and onto the poop deck.
Ye be on mute, matey.
Aye aye, Cap'n. (Reply to every request from your manager today. Every single one.)
We're not behind schedule, we're becalmed.
This meeting could have been a message in a bottle.
Circle back? On a ship we come about.
Ship it. (Already a pirate phrase. You have been talking like a pirate for years.)

How to tell a pirate joke

Three rules. Roll the R: "arrr" is the joke in half of these, so give it a full second. Narrow one eye at the punchline; it works even without an eye patch. And commit to the walk on the way out of the room, because the exit is part of the bit.

Want an AI to write you more in the same voice? Try the pirate prompts. Need the vocabulary behind the puns? See pirate phrases and their meanings.